Stone Cold Baby

Written By @3130beloved

This song isn't about abortion but for some reason, it always plays in my head whenever I think of mine. 

a·bor·tion      

əˈbôrSH(ə)n/noun

1. the deliberate termination of a human pregnancy, most often performed during the first 28 weeks of pregnancy. synonyms:termination, miscarriage

Dear my two darling angels,

I imagine Jesus holding you both, one in each hand, walking, telling stories, laughing, and singing together in heaven. I want you both to know that I love you deep, I think of you every day, and how sorry I am for not giving you both a chance. I have no excuses for taking your lives but I know you hear every one of my prayers to you and that I have both yours and God's forgiveness. It's the only reason I'm able to forgive myself and with God's strength, move forward without regret or self-resentment.

It's astonishing how many women sweep it under the rug and hope to take the secret to the grave. I remember feeling the same way; that pregnancy outside of marriage was a mistake. In a sense it was an error that needed to be deleted or a problem that needed a quick solution before anyone noticed; a typo that needed to be whited out. I felt beyond shameful, trashy, stupid, irresponsible, and just dumb. (Let's be honest, I was). I kept asking myself, "How could you let this happen? How could you let yourself get so low? What is wrong with you?" The definition above for abortion says, "the deliberate termination..."; not an accident. Yet, if there was one word I could use to describe my pregnancies at the time, I would have said, "accident". I saw them as accidents that never should have happened. That is how powerful cultural norms can influence one's mind. I felt completely brain washed. I never took a moment to stop and think about how this was a matter of someone else's life. How it was a matter of life and death and how my decision would end someone's life. Someone who would never get the chance to voice their opinion or express their rights as a human being. This wasn't about me anymore but yet, all I thought about was myself. I believed the lies of shame, guilt, and that I was all alone. It didn't even occur to me that I do have family who would have helped and that there are other options besides abortion. At the same time, I didn't even want to see those options because I was so focused on my own life that there was never a question of whether I'd go through with the abortion or not. It was a done deal and within 48hrs, you both were gone. I was 3 weeks along. For the longest time, I justified my action with that fact but it was more my shame that I couldn't face. 

It took me a long time to say out loud that under the eyes of God, I committed murder.  For years, I felt the need to prove to God how sorry I was by beating myself up in hopes that my judgement day would be less severe but you know, He's completely forgiven me, washed me white as snow, and uses my sin today to help so many women face their fears of revisiting those times of past abortion. No sin is greater than God's grace and by his grace, my sin is redeemed for His glory. In sharing this testimony often and openly with friends, it's by surprise but someone always cries out that they've never spoken of it since, but due to my boldness to share it gave them the courage to do the same. It's true that once it's revealed, then it can be healed. Just being that ear of empathy to listen to so many women is a powerful thing. To see God weeping with us while we pour our hearts out in tears is so beautiful.

I never thought of names for either of you but my first dearest, you would be 4 years old this year; the second would be 2. Perhaps my gift with taking care of kids and teaching them Chinese is part of the Lord's redemption in losing you guys. In a way, I care for them like how I would care for you two. 

You're with the father, my babies. I love you so much, thank you for forgiving me, and I promise to not only live my life in a way that honors you both but to spend eternity with you making up for loss time.  God loves you guys more than I ever could and I'm comforted knowing that you're in His arms forever.  I may never get to be your mom, but I do get the chance to join our family in heaven. Praying for you guys always. Pray for me too.

Love,

Jess

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!”
— Isaiah 49:15
“You made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with your glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet.”
— Psalm 8:5-7

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@3130beloved

I’ve always hated these, “Bio” or “About me” sections— so awkward.

But… after living 25 years lost in my agnostic world chasing my own fame, glory, comfort and will I was brought to my end. After the death of my mom, ending the most manipulative & emotionally abusive relationship, a lifestyle of drug addiction, 2 abortions, and finding myself empty while standing in the middle of what the world says is “bliss”… I reached the end of myself and the beginning of seeing Jesus’ light beaming down on me.

I met His Holy Spirit for the first time at a Halloween rave called, “Day of the Dead.” To this day, I still think this is one of the darkest places to be on our planet. I raved and popped pills to numb my pain, to avoid my fears and to suppress my sadness. I was in the middle of bobbing my head and raising my arms to the electro house music blasting in my ears when images of skeletons came on the TV monitors and the weak spirit within me has a knee-jerk reaction to put my arms down. “Whoa! I don’t worship that!”, I thought. “Wait, what do I know about worship?” Now looking back, there God was! The beginning of my site for Him.

A year later, I followed my brother (his good looking friend) to church (@realityLA). I don’t remember the sermon but I heard God for the first time when worship began singing, “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.”

I LOST my mind.

It was an overwhelming & LAVISHINGGG upon me of, "Hi precious girl. I see you. I know you. I’ve been here. I know your pain. I know your loss. I know you are lost. I know you’re angry, specifically with me because you lost your mom and you think your life is unredeemable but my beloved, I’ve been coming after you because you are mine.” I cried the hardest I’d ever cried in my life because my entire being just knew… This. Is. God. This. Is. The. Master. Of. The. Universe— and He wants me? Broken, selfish, ugly me?

I soon followed this good looking friend of my brothers to a community group. There is where I met the love of God through His people as they accepted me, fed me, welcomed me, and took me in as family despite my lifestyle that rebelled against everything they believed. One year later, I said, “Fine. I’ll follow until you fail just like everything else has.” Well… He hasn’t failed nor broken any promise yet. ;) My choice to accept Jesus as my Lord, savior and new identity has brought me more freedom than I could have ever fathomed. I didn’t know what I was living for or aiming at but God truly lit up every shadow, broke down every wall, shattered every lie and came after me.

Salvation belongs to the Lord.

As the world kicks and screams trying to shout their way to justice, peace and unity on their own terms right now, may the roots of our identity in Christ grow deeper each day together as one body; as one family.

“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.

The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.”

https://3130beloved.com
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