Breaking Up Was the Best Part
**NOTE: I’m keeping this post in because I want to show God’s transformation despite my blindness of what love was back then. I want to share how “convicted” I was while missing all the red flags. Currently, Ken and I continue to remain great friends. My husband adores him too =) Ken prayed over my husband and I a month before we got married and we will always be brother and sister in Christ.**
Dating is fun but can also be such a pain. Breaking up is the worst part; letting go of someone who once was a dear friend. The process, the time, and the emotions that go into it is a roller coaster of exhausting victories. The journey can feel like a suffering time that will never end. Thank God suffering builds character and He works all things together for our good and according to His purpose. Most singles, meaning never married, date and hope to meet the one who makes them tingle into their core with just one look. We anxiously wait for the moment they tell you, “I like you. I want to make you happy.” The day they write you a hand written card, first kiss, pray for you, or whatever your gifts of affirmation may be. God willing, when those moments do happen with someone you love, you think, “Yes! This is it. I’m finally on the road to marriage. Everything is going to be perfect.”
Well… we were on that road but it was nowhere near perfect. There was no fairy dust, our dreams didn’t come true, and the journey was far from easy. It was actually a rude awakening. Dating revealed deeply rooted sin and bondage in our hearts, wounds that never healed from the past, and forcefully shoved us both into realizing so much we still hadn’t died to ourselves yet and were not living in the spirit. (I can’t explain what it means to live in the spirit as well as God can so read the Galatians verse LOL!) Our hearts were hardened and not in places of patience, selflessness, love, and kindness. Instead, we were prideful, defensive, selfish, conceited, and stubborn. This made it impossible to come together in harmony as a team and be champions of each other because we were not trying to be on the same team. It’s no wonder why we both delighted in singleness. When you’re single, your sin is not evidently shown “as much” because there is no one watching your every move, seeing you fall into sin AS you do it, holding you accountable, testing you, or even noticing what you’re blinded to. You have the freedom to let what you want people to see seep out and then tuck away what’s ugly; even lie to yourself that you’re this sinless savior. (We all want to be Jesus.)
This was our first time dating as Christians so we never learned how to resolve conflicts or to show deep love and affection WITHOUT SEX. Our only form of communication now was to talk soooo, yeah, we got to know each other REAL quickly. It was so overwhelming that our words would just fall out of our mouths unfiltered because we didn’t know how to mold such complexity into a conversation. Therefore, we would fall into lust (in our case looking at each other not in a sacrificial and love serving way, but instead wanting to objectify and use each other for our own selfish pleasure), because that’s always easier. Sex outside marriage is the biggest distraction to true, freeing intimacy. It's a cover up of each other’s brokenness and a cop-out from dealing with the hardship in relationships.
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”
In the past when I stopped having sex with my ex’s (before I was a Christian), I found out pretty quickly that I never really knew them nor liked them as a person. I actually had nothing of true value in common with them and I only dated them because they were hot, the sex was good, we had fun, it was convenient, and they didn’t annoy me too much. This is how blinding sex is; I couldn’t see any of those truths! Before knowing God, I never dated someone to marry him. It was always a trial run. I tested each person out until “the shoe didn’t fit anymore” and then we’d break up so I could find a new one. That’s how worldly dating goes. It’s all about, “What can you give me before I give you a little bit of me?” or “Don’t try and change me.” When I know myself that I suck at a lot of things and could use improvement so if someone truly loved me, why wouldn’t they want to help improve (change) those negative qualities about me? Dating should mutually be in a tone of, “How can I come alongside you and help you? What can I do to serve your soul better?” I wish I knew this and just listened to God from the beginning. I wasted so much time not trusting that He has a perfect man for me but was just waiting for me to surrender myself. Thankfully, God redeems all. Throughout this time with the ex boyfriends He grew and prepared my heart to date Ken and for Ken to date me. He prepared us in knowing that we couldn’t look to each other for complete satisfaction because we're both human, incomplete, sinners, and WILL fail each other often. Only God can truly satisfy the deepest depths of our love craving. Well, our pride had us wanting to fully satisfy each other without God so of course, we failed, and it turned out we weren't ready to date righteously. The overwhelming amount of sin needed to be reconciled in us separately with God. This could be done together while dating but who knows how long that would take because we were both SO focused on pleasing each other day in and day out that we couldn’t see God anymore. When God was trying to speak to us, we couldn’t hear Him. Therefore, His spirit was not filling us up anymore; instead we were filled up by each other, which meant we poured out crap. Despite hitting rock bottom, the gut wrenching heartaches, suffering and crying out to God, prideful arguments, guilt and shame with lust, and all the ways we failed each other, the best part of our relationship was the break up.
**Note**: we didn't go on a break. There's something freeing about completely breaking up and letting each other reset.
I'll never forget that night. Ken didn’t listen to the wise counseling he got regarding our relationship so his words were not coated with grace. He said to me, “I don’t like you. I don’t want to date you. I’m sorry for everything I said to you that made you feel like I did.” ….EVERY muscle, vain, and bone in my body wanted to fly out of my seat and slap him. My entire face turned ghost white pale and I felt that same gut wrenching pain I felt when my mom passed. My mouth dried up, my fingers went numb, and I blacked out for 30 seconds. I stared at him in shock waiting for a, “Just Kidding!” or “Wait, I take that back.” NOPE! He sat there and let those words land on me like a ton of rocks stoning me to death. He didn’t say, “I don’t LOVE you.” He said that he doesn’t even LIKE me. I thought, “Not even as a friend? Or a person? You’re a jerk!” In that moment, I felt God say, “Help him. Help your brother in Christ. Do not run away. He’s confused and doesn’t know what he’s doing. Forgive him right now. Stay, Jess.”
Next thing I knew I was drinking tea and chatting peacefully with him for 3 hours before praying outside for another hour. It was one of the most peaceful conversations we ever had. Since we already broke up, we could just talk platonically. As I drove away that night, I looked at him one more time before turning the corner. He watched me drive off while I prayed he’d chase after me. He never did. (Though he wanted to as he says in this screenshot. The last cut off sentence says: "That's changed my whole perspective of marriage.")
Break up = Break down
If there’s anything I learned from my mom’s passing, it was to never delay the mourning of any loss again. This was hands down the hardest breakup of my life. I was letting go of someone I loved but if I loved God more, I had to entrust him into God's hands completely. I WALLOWED in the emotions the next day, cried out to God for help, and fasted for about 8 hours. Finally, around 5pm, I looked up, looked over to the mirror, and exhaled, “O.K.! I think you’re ok now. You stink. Go brush your teeth and eat something.” Just like that, I climbed out of bed and had dinner with a girlfriend. Once the emotions passed, I could recap and see things for what they truly were. Instead of focusing on only the good, I remembered things that I didn’t like, things I wasn’t O.K. with, and things that clearly God needed to grow in us separately; NOT for the purpose of getting back together but for our own relationship with Him. This truly was the ONLY way God could get our attention. I felt a CLEAR and firm threat of Him saying, “You two look at me or I will tear you both apart for life. I am trying to give you something good and the gift of each other to use for MY glory but you both abused it. You are not ready so let me do work in both of you but you need to trust me, be faithful, and do not interrupt my work in you again.”
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.”
My 'wolf pack' of sisters in Christ came together each day of that first week supporting and encouraging me. Each time I externally processed everything, the more I gained wisdom, clarity, and vision. God expanded my capacity to surrender in complete faithfulness with wherever He leads Ken and me. Whether or not we were meant to be, for that moment in time, God closed the door on us dating and it was the most redeeming and sanctifying time for us both. He transformed us into completely new men and women as we were brought to our knees begging for direction and new hearts. 'Where we are weak, God is strong.'
I began doing things for myself again. I did a lot of soul searching and moving on even when I still felt a strong pull to not completely close the door on Ken. I was still in love with him so this time was tough to say the least. I would hear through the grapevine how he wasn’t doing well, struggling with a lot, and it worried me so I set a boundary asking people to not share with me anymore about how he’s doing. We cannot pray faithfully if we’re worrying. I can’t give Ken up to the Lord if I’m panicking about things that aren’t in my control. I am clearly removed from the picture so God can do His work. I got on my knees every day and prayed for him instead.
God BLOWS my mind
6 weeks later, we ran into each other at our church's regional prayer. We caught up for 10 minutes or so. I asked, “Are you alright? Is everything O.K.?” He looked at me like he wanted to let his words spill but instead he held it all in saying, “I will be. God is growing me a lot right now and I’m still processing it all.” That was my red light that God was not done with him and I needed to stay to the side. The following Sunday, I saw him again, and for 5 hours we sat on the cement floor parking lot at church talking, asking questions, and clarifying everything from when we dated. Finally one more Sunday after that, we grabbed tea and caught up for 8 hours. This was when I heard every single prayer I ever had for Ken come out of Ken’s mouth. GOD IS THE MEDIATOR! Literally everything I ever asked the Lord to grow, heal, and reveal to Ken, God told Him. There he was, after 6 weeks of silence, spilling it all out on the table. I froze and was in complete awe that God was SO evident and real. I love the moments that no one can deny that He is real. There's no other explanation. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
After seeing how much God changed our hearts and how much we still loved one another, our flesh wanted to jump right back into dating but we knew how dumb that would be without some tangible growth. We decided to stay the course and not interrupt God’s work in us so we fasted from seeing each other for another 2 weeks. (UGH! Talk about patience. This was torture. "Love is patient, love is kind - 1 Corinthians 13:4)
If anyone’s ever fasted than you would know how MAGNIFIED things are every day. God spoke clearly in those moments of silence and He grew my heart for Ken. For example, I was tested in coming across other men that I usually would date for the sole purpose of worldly comfort- financially well off, secure, prestigious family, upstanding gentlemen, men you can tell immediately that they would provide a life of comfort. That's just it. Comfort was all they had to offer and in the past I always got bored. I prayed hard for a revelation of clarity on what these tests meant to show me and it boiled down to this: although these men had “it all” on paper, their faith and fear of the Lord was not strong enough to lead a Godly woman; to lead me. I realized I can be patient on maturity in a man, but I CANNOT be patient on maturity in their faith. That is MY NON-NEGOTIABLE. If a man knows God intimately, then God will do the work in him and show him how to lead, which means us women don't have to!! God does the work, not us. We can’t change each other, but God can for HIS will and not our own. No matter how big or small, He always provides for us so comfort and money should never be an idol. Ultimately, this solidified my trust in the man God has for me. PLUS! I just like Ken as a person. I think he's funny, silly, playful, loving, and faithful, but also can be prideful, selfish, and dumb - but that works for me. I find him intriguing and there's something new to discover in him every day. He's a unicorn.
Soooooo….
The fast finally ended and we want to try again. We set boundaries for what works for us, which is usually “stricter” boundaries than your usual couple because we both have self-control issues. Lol. We try to not hang out past 11 p.m., or steer clear of being alone anywhere or going inside each others homes. Even when praying gets too intimate because we're holding hands, we’ll separate. We have similar weaknesses and are hopeless romantics so lust (not sleeping together) is very challenging. As far as forgiving Ken of the past and remaining faithful, I won’t lie that it is a struggle. God heals a bit every day but ultimately all our hope is in Christ to bandage those wounds and that's enough faith for me to give it another try. We’re still working through a lot but no matter what, this journey has sanctified us and we’re excited to continue pointing each other to Christ's love. There is no marriage in heaven and all things come to an end. God calls us His beautiful bride so our job here is to love each other the best we can on earth by helping each other become more holy before we all go back to our first love; JESUS. <3
