The Bad, Ugly, & Redeemed
Welcome back you BEAUTIFUL images of God!
Long time + No write + I know
Truthfully, this blog was pretty difficult to complete as the Lord righteously brought me and Ken’s relationship to an end, BUT... God's miraculously given me such joy and courage to press forward in sharing the wisdom He taught us through it all. Ken also helped me edit this so for me, this is like another layer of healing + closure. I feel like Beyonce releasing 'Lemonade' lol
Alright + Here we go
T R U T H S I N D A T I N G
We so often make our romantic journeys all about us: what we want, what we're attracted to, what we do or do not enjoy, what our non-negotiables are, does he/she meet my expectations when usually we don't even fully meet them ourselves. This opens up doors of knit picking, pointing fingers, insecurities, unrealistic expectations, and unhealthy criticisms.
God has such a greater design for our relationships. The best kind is when two friends pursue His will together because He wants us to be completely safe, secure, and cherished within them. He wants us to hear each other's hearts by listening and truly empathizing with each other. Where one is weak, He wants us to meet them where they're at to help build them up. This is what Christ does for us. He chose to commit to us simply because He loves us.
His example makes it clear that dating is more about COMMITMENT than compatibility. You will never find someone whom you are 100% compatible with. We are all flawed human beings who change daily so simply having sexual chemistry, financial stability, physical attraction, similar interests, etc- these "aesthetics" are not lasting. They are temporary and will fade overtime. Our divorce statistics today prove that SO many marriages fail because people get married based on those reasons; based on nothing. So instead of pursuing "perfection" in a spouse, we should be pursuing a 'mutually flawed pursuit of Jesus'.
“After all, there has never been a less compatible relationship than a holy God and his sinful bride, and that’s the mold we’re aiming for in our marriages.”
“If Christian dating, the intentional, selfless, and prayerful process of pursuing marriage, sounds like slavery, we don’t get it. If low-commitment sexual promiscuity sounds like freedom, we don’t get it. Jesus may ask more of us, but he does so to secure and increase our greatest and longest-lasting happiness.”
M Y L E S S O N...
(Clearly I didn't get it 😅)
...was that I gave my whole heart away to someone who didn't ask for it. I married him with my mind before my soul was ready. I unwisely put myself in an unstable position set up for heartbreak and disappointment because I did not guard my heart. Nothing is scarier than committing to someone who has not committed to you. PAUSE + by commitment + I don't mean committed to dating and being my boyfriend but a promise of engagement + big difference + UNPAUSE
Therefore, I bore the burdens of a wife when I was not yet a wife. I took it upon myself to not only carry my burdens but all of Ken's too. If he slept at 5 a.m. because he was wired from working all night, instead of encouraging him to set better boundaries to sleep earlier, I'd get annoyed and point blame at him. If he worked long hours and didn't eat, I'd stop my own work to bring him dinner. This list could go on for days but long story short, I sacrificed too much of myself because I chose to commit to him when it was not the time yet. My trust in God dwindled the more I took matters into my own hands. Rather than letting Ken make his own decisions, mistakes or not, I would convince him of what I thought was best. He wouldn't get the chance to process things on his own so there was always this disconnect of not making choices on his own. I often made myself the example to follow which was deadly because of course I failed all the time. This put even more weight on me to have to do things perfectly so I learned that if someone needs to hit rock bottom to learn their lesson, don't try to save them when the most loving thing you can do is to let them fall and then be there to help pick them up.
↓ DONT SETTLE ↓
“Those who recklessly give themselves to a love-life of dating without really dating, of romantic rendezvouses without Christ and commitment, are settling. They’re settling for less than God intended and less than he made possible by sending his Son to rescue and repurpose our lives, including our love-lives, for something more. More happiness. More security. More purpose.”
L E S S O N 2
God revealed to me that I also idolize the NEED to be needed; a deeper insecurity of not feeling validated in Christ unless I felt needed by someone. I felt worthless if I wasn't helping someone the way I deemed helpful. This lead to almost a desperation for Ken's commitment back to me. Most women, myself included, try using our sexuality to get that commitment in some form when we SHOULD stop to realize that that lack of returned commitment has NOTHING to do with us. I thought Ken wouldn't commit because of something I wasn't doing well enough but it was never about me. It's about his own trust issues with God. Our relationship helped reveal these weaknesses and it should because this is what dating is for! To uncover areas that we're unable to recognize on our own. To grow deeper into knowing God, but also maturing into the person He created us to become.
Emotions run high in relationships but they're not always to be trusted. We need accountability and community to speak truth and wisdom into us because love is often blind. That's cliche but true. Ken and I both said a lot of WORDS that implied commitment. Though they were said with good intentions, the results were devastating. Words are EVERYTHING in dating so we have to be watchful and guard our hearts by asking ourselves daily:
"Am I using my own brain to discern things for myself and not always taking people's advice? We are all the blind leading the blind so am I losing myself in this infatuation/obsession? Am I giving glory to Ken that only belongs to God? Am I guarding my heart? Am I getting ahead of reality and relying on my own understanding that is driven from my emotions? "
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
I T A L L B E G A N W I T H...
...whether or not God wanted me and Ken to spend the rest of our lives together. We're both very emotionally-high people so our relationship grew intensely in a short amount of time. Needless to say, the escalation to move towards either marriage or a break up arose quickly too but I couldn’t tell yet if what happened the first break-up was a one-time thing or if it was/is a heart issue. After digging through HARD conversations, disagreements, and hardened hearts, there were many new issues that surfaced. Everything from fears of marriage and commitment, to speech tones that triggered feelings of abandonment, rejection, and disrespect. We tried sorting through all this chaos as lovingly as we could but we COULD NOT do it alone. We needed help.
T H E C O U N S E L S E S S I O N O F A L I F E T I M E
Everything shifted when we began counseling with our UH-MAZING +Pastor, Sean Johnson!+ There was NO chance we could have communicated our differences in such a healthy fashion without his guidance. One AMAZING quote from a session I think ALL GOD - FEARING MEN should hear is:
“As you supply what her hearts needs, not by correcting her but with her needs to feel loved, accepted, and protected, you will see her grow into a Godly woman. She won’t take advantage of this love. Initially, she won’t even know what to do with it, but this provides a space and environment where she can grow. When you tell her she’s not living up to the scriptures in certain ways or she needs to change this or that, all that language speaks to is the language of rejection- “not good enough for the Lord or for you”. She needs unconditional love communicated all the time. Your words can bring life or death, so bring life all day long. Shower her with acceptance and just watch her grow into a Godlier woman. ”
F O R I N S T A N C E,
Ken said to me, “I love when you help me get somewhere on-time because I suck at that. However, I don’t like when you tell me how to dress, or complain about my hair or….”
Sean cuts him off:
“Hold on. You’re doing great! But do you see how Jessica is not B R E A T H I N G while you’re talking?”
WOW ! My posture was completely hunched over, my chest locked up, and I was holding my breath as Ken was telling me the things he doesn’t like that I do.
S E A N S A I D T O K E N :
"You could have said everything in 2 words but in a desire to make sure you were understood, you kept going. By continuing to press into that, you perpetuated the cycle. You said to her, 'it’s not nagging when you do these things for me', but then you turned around and said that it’s how you dress, your jokes, and you kept going into this space that she is disapproving of you. When you say that to her, you’re actually communicating, 'You are not good enough.' I know you don’t mean to say that! You’re just trying to say that this is hard for your heart but until you learn HOW to communicate and COVER your words in LOVE and to just receive some of the things she says- you’ll grow the most as a man in maturity and strength by enduring WITHOUT fighting back. That’s where you get strength. When she says that she doesn’t like the way you dress, you have a TON of options in how to respond-- you can work on responding in LOVE."
Ken asked, "What’s a way to do that?" SEAN SAID:
“The most connecting way would be to put yourself in her shoes to empathize where she’s coming from. You don’t want to dress differently simply to please her because there will still be a disconnect. The deepest and most intimate connecting way with this is to go internally and ask yourself: ‘What’s she going through right now? Does she feel ashamed from how people view her through me? Is this insecurity based on how she was raised and what her parents taught her about being proper?’ You could say, ‘Jess, I have a particular style that I love but I could see why it’s so hard for you and for you to understand that. I see how my personal choices reflect you without you having any say in it.’ With this, you’re saying that you hear her heart. It’s an understanding and recognition of her as a woman and also her culture and family who have created many insecurities in her heart. This then brings her to a place where your clothes become less of an issue.”
This was AMAZING because I thought women are just crazy with their emotions but it stems from a place of insecurity, comparison, fear, and frustration of not feeling heard. (Or sometimes just chemically imbalanced hormones😂). That day, when Ken heard my heart, I felt overwhelmed with love. I felt protected, understood, and comforted.
Ken fought with all his heart and prayers to continue serving me in these ways. He fought against easy ways out, his old and bad habits of shutting down, and his tendency to run away from hardships. Instead, he stared our challenges dead in the eye while holding my hand and lead the way through battles. He wanted us to have a future and for our relationship to last as much as I did. I am so very proud of him to this day. However, in this present time, his heart holds some uncovered areas that only God can heal, reveal, and redeem. Ken says that I am not whom he wants to pursue for marriage. I believe that comes from an idealistic and worldly expectation of what a wife is supposed to look like. The deeper root of that expectation caused other failures and disappointments that lead to our break up but that'll be for another blog- stay tuned!! (It has a peaceful + forgiving + compassionate ending though, I promise!)
M Y T U R N
Sean shared a hard truth that I believe many lies of our culture. My upbringing also complimented that as my mother did too. She was a classy lady in the world's eyes and brought me up to be nothing "less". This makes it hard for me to respect someone who swims against the mainstream like Ken. The ways I've been socially rejected in my past, whether by my mom or in school, and how I've coped with that rejection shapes my view of what is 'acceptable behavior'.
Thankfully, I fell to my knees in prayer asking for a change of heart and perspective. God grew me immensely in seeing how beautiful Ken's uniqueness is. My idols of aesthetic material things and worldly glamor slowly stripped away one-by-one as I began seeing who Ken is in Christ over how the world may view him. I began seeing him the way God does. He is a man who loves on people like NO ONE's business. I truly don't know anyone who has a more sacrificial heart for the broken, lost, lonely, poor, and powerless- besides Jesus. His character became more valuable to me than how any man dresses, how much $$ he makes, whatever level of comfort he can provide, etc. All of that can be taken away in the blink of eye, but a man's faith in Christ? I'd bet my heart on that any day.
S E A N S A I D T O M E:
“Ken doesn’t need your unconditional love the same way your heart needs it. In fact, your tendency is going to give him what you think your heart needs. What he needs is to be treated like you believe in who he is before the Lord; that you trust him. That if he’s slow, drives poorly, forgets boundaries, makes jokes that don’t make sense to you, etc - as you dismiss those things, you attack the core need of his heart right now. He needs someone by his side telling him that who God made him is GOOD and is worthwhile. Not, ‘grow up and get a job’ or ‘I need you to act a certain way in order for me to respect you’, but treating him as a man worthy of respect.”
H E W A R N E D M E T O:
“Be careful in the way you speak to Ken because you don’t want him to begin seeing himself the way you may see him when he’s forgetful or makes mistakes. Find ways to communicate tons of respect for who he is and put these things into context. An example of how to speak to him would be, ‘I greatly value that you’re an artist who creates, who loves people, who is present when you’re with them, and I know sometimes you forget stuff, so I want to come alongside you and be your helper!’”
He concluded by giving us 2 options:
Create expectations for each other, try to live up to them, fail, and take it out on each other OR
- Back up, figure out how God made you both, what your deepest heart needs are, and then figure out ways to do that for one another.
For us, Ken's biggest role was to communicate God's love for me and my biggest role was to communicate God's vision for his life and as a man. Lastly, Sean strongly challenged us to stop living in shame and guilt. If we screwed up like falling into LUST, we needed to confess it quickly and then let it go so it holds no power over us. Instead of running from lust, we needed to pursue purity as every "no" now will be an investment of a "yes" for our future. Any failures that arose, we should build each other up with grace and forgiveness as God's love does this for us. If it wasn't for God, it'd be literally impossible for us to be able to spend an ENTIRE day serving at church only 2 weeks after our break up with complete joy and tremendous respect for each other. IDK about you, but my past relationships never end on that peaceful of a note. I can't believe we didn't run away feeling all awkward when we saw each other but we talked for a fews hours that day as friends. It was comforting and healing so Jesus, OH mighty Lord, thank you.
T H R O U G H I T A L L...
dating is hard but my encouragement to press on and pursue it is that it DOES give you a best friend and teammate to fight the SAME enemy with (not each other). A companion to pursue purity with, grow in faithfulness, grace, and forgiveness with. To encourage and believe the best of each other. To build one another up to whom God made you to be through love and sacrifice. To love and be loved, and to shower each other with patience. It was one of the best times of my life.
Even through the heartbreaking break up, it only pushed me further into knowing that God is real. He tests me with how much do I trust Him? Will I allow Him to fill up the holes in my heart that I filled up with Ken when we were together? Do I know now that my heart never belonged to Ken or anyone else? It always belonged to the Lord. He has NEVER left me. He will always fight my battles for me, and carry me through fires. I'm thankful through this all, I never walked alone and now a new chapter has begun!
Thanks for reading guys!!
Let me know if you liked this or not by clicking the 'Like' button below + If it was helpful! Shout out to my lovely + gifted photographer Stephanie Lim @slimadventures! Check out her FB www.facebook.com/stephanielimphotography ! She's a doll! Until next time!
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”
