The End of Me + The Beginning of Him.
Love how you guys call me out when I procrastinate🤤
Shout out 🗣 to my INCREDIBLE God-fearing IG followers
Yes! I WAS finishing up this blog.
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I delayed because it is hard on my heart to revisit
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It's something I'm still unpacking but...
I don't know if I'll ever have all the answers for you so this is where I am at now post break-up ↓
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
In times of doubt, deep down I think we know God knows what He's doing. He's never failed us before so why would He start now? His plan for our lives always blows our dreams out of the water. However, sometimes His plan can feel like He let us down or He messed up. His plan can even devastate us and bring immense pain + suffering. IN those times is when I remember that suffering produces endurance and good character. Sometimes, we suffer because He LOVES us and entrusts us to come out of that journey refined + renewed + reconciled. As we transform into this new creation, those tests become TESTIMONIES to share, spread, & encourage others with-- which builds up our kingdom and gives glory to God. Brilliant! 😋 IN the midst of suffering, we draw nearer to Him so I've learned to take heart because redemption is always around the corner. That sounds "Christianese" but it's true. Only when we fall down will we be able to look up!
For those who've experienced a break-up before, you understand how this "blessed" event goes. You understand it [[ BREAKS ]] everything in your life apart. It's like the season finale of your favorite show. The lives of those characters you love come to an end after that last episode. Same thing here. The person you and him/her were at the time, ends. WHOM you two were becoming as a couple, ends. The relationships you made together; divides. Every thing you built together; comes to a holt. Every part of your daily routine hits an “undo” button. Every part of the future you invested in; POOF!🌬 The dreams of who/what you could have become for Christ; 🤦🏻♀️ ! No one ever highlighted the, 'losing everything you COULD HAVE BEEN' part as much as this break up did. That one specific loss was what broke me; losing the marriage I once dreamt of with Ken.💔
At first, it felt like my right arm was cut off. When you lose a functioning part of your body, you see how much more you rely on the other parts. This revealed how weak I was in all those parts too. I still had a mentality of 90% "desperate for Jesus" and 10% "I got it on my own; I don't need God's help."
Welp...
the day we broke up was the END of any self-righteousness I had stashed away. It shoved my 90% to 100% REAL quick. It’s hard to describe without tearing up because I do remember how it literally DEE - STROYED me. I loved Ken so much... I mean, I. Really. Loved. Him. I looked at him the way Christ lookS at him. The way Christ looks at me and all of you. I saw ALL his brokenness, pride, ties to shame and guilt, the lies he believed, and his fears with eyes of redemption, radiance, unconditional love, and found him worthy to be treasured-- because he is worthy. I loved him more than any human being could love another before marriage. I married him with my mind + soul. I committed to him like a wife commits to her husband.
What did this love look like?
For me, Ken is this deep and complex work of art with so many different sides of 'a face' that only God could have possibly knit together. As someone who's experienced death and loss many times, I am more removed from this world than the average person. I know our world is perishing because I've seen it go. Unless you've also experienced mortality, it's rare to find another human being with that level of depth in their soul. I saw that in Ken. I think we both loved the redeeming Christ living within each other. We admired each others gifts. I say TWIN-mates because our souls fit together like a puzzle. Every piece cut into the weirdest shape but somehow, we found another that is cut in a way that fits together. My joy + optimism + resilience encouraged him. Him simply being himself + always finding beauty in everyone's ugliness (including my own) + his giant heart to serve uplifted me. It was the best relationship I ever had but more importantly, the best break up I ever had.
(Yes, better than our 1st one LOL)
We were planning to get married so we essentially began premarital counseling with one of our Pastors; Sean. We also broke up in front of Sean in our last counsel session. That is truly why it was the HEALTHIEST break up. Sean had us share specifically why we were not continuing to pursue marriage. It was a lot of things but mainly both of us were not equipped for marriage and also in completely different places spiritually + emotionally. I strongly recommend all breaks up to happen with a pastor present. Sean guided us to end on a note that kept us united in the body of Christ with compassion while saying goodbye.
The end of that session was the beginning of the longest 5 months IN SUFFERING + REFINING I'd had in a long time. Although compared to how long it could have been without Christ?!? 🙀 No, thank you! PRAISE His saving grace it didn't last longer. This grace came at the greatest cost to me. It cost my life. Everything I held dear was counted as loss. I died in this grieving but it showed me where my idols were. It also showed me that the specific missions God's ordained me to lead were not in this marriage with Ken. It is in something, somewhere, and with someone else. As long as I'm still mourning this break-up, I could never begin that work. So, I prayed:
“Jesus, I WILL do this work of mourning and grieving with you. I will die completely to myself Every. Single. Day. that you call me to remain in this suffering. I will fall to my knees committed in surrendering all. I free myself to allow your spirit to consume me from the inside out. But Jesus... please... make this quick! Don’t drag this out any longer than it needs to be. Don’t leave me here. The moment I am ready to get up, please help me rise. I don’t want to be here for long. Please, please, please. I feel empty inside, I feel forsaken, I feel abandoned in the dark but I know you are RIGHT HERE with me. Your light is still shining so give me eyes for you. I will remain in your healing until YOU say I can get up Until you pick me up. Until you unlock my grip to release Ken out of my hands and into yours. To release my hurt and to release any hidden anger. I am yours. You are mine.”
💥WOW💥
Thinking about this right now is crazy. I CANNOT believe the amount of growth the Lord's done/ doing in my heart. I remember how bashed into pieces I felt, my hurt, my anger, my confusion, my frustration, and mountains of sadness. I remember KNOWING there was no way I could get back up from this break up, but with God-- GEEZ!!! WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE TRULY POSSIBLE. It's a miracle that I also DON'T remember this because I am not in that place anymore. It's like a distant but floating nearby memory. There are still 'ins' and 'outs' but mostly outs. I AM back and stronger in my divine marriage with Christ. He showed me true intimacy + love + comfort + support + persistent affection at a level that no man can ever give. My joy is not in a man anymore because I've tasted and seen an intimate marriage with the God of the universe. My joy will never change because my salvation in Him will never change. PTL!
I believe Ken + I were ordained to be together [[ for the time ]] we were together. Our relationship was the greatest weapon used to reveal an OVERWHELMING amount of sin. This really was the only way to grab my attention to turn my eyes to Him. He threw warning signs all over the place but I was so fixed on pleasing man, I couldn’t see or hear Him.
This relationship pierced through every hard wall in my heart. It naturally brought dark areas to light because I was so deep in love that all the roots we're not only touched upon, but dug into. It was a deep love and we didn’t need to have sex to get there. Actually, NOT having sex played into why we were so close. Pursuing purity together developed a great amount of trust as we drew and re-drew boundaries. We cared enough about each other's souls that we did not want to thwart what God calls clean. In Christ, God calls US clean! Also, without sex as a crutch from dealing with hardships and disagreements, we HAD to exercise clear communication in patience, gentleness, compassion, prayer, and understanding.
If anyone asks me why we broke up, my only answer is the Holy Spirit.🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ We both didn't fully feel peace at times but I understand now that that is not a reason, nor grounds to break up because love is not a feeling. It’s a CHOICE that can be encouraged by feelings and emotions. Marriage will have many moments without peace but you can work through anything if both partners commit to bringing it before the Lord, FIGHTING for one another, and continue choosing to fight. Though I don't understand why we couldn't continue fighting for us, I sincerely trust God's character; that His hand is FOR this outcome. In the end, we did not land on the same page. The more I dig into truths, the clearer I see God affirming, for now and the foreseeable future, we are in fact-- incompatible.
R E D E M P T I O N
Jesus ALWAYS shows up.
“The voice spoke from heaven a second time, ‘Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.”
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
“...And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”
As the door to my relationship closed, my "dream life/mission for heaven" doorS [[ SWUNG OPEN ]]. I was at the lowest point but only then was I able to surrender my plan for HIS plan. My path got blurry as HIS paths ✨ lit up✨ Everything I ever prayed for in how to serve our kingdom, where to serve, and how He wants to use my life-- God revealed it all. I now work at my dream job, I finally have direction and see a glimpse into how God will use me, and I can't tell you how freeing it is to be in the know. On top of that, I now KNOW how to remain faithful to my first love as I abide in Jesus daily. WHAT A REVELATION! His joy is my strength.
To shed some light, I'll briefly share that I work for Claris Health Pregnancy Clinic. A clinic that comes alongside women and couples with unintended pregnancies by emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually supporting them with relationship counseling, education on adoption and abortion, parenting classes, & so much more. They offer the same medical support that Planned Parenthood provides and is based on Christian principles. I did 1-year of post abortion counseling with Claris and I prayed for 2-years that God would open doors for me to work with them. One day, a friend at my church told me that Claris’s sister company, Reality Check, was hiring speakers to present in highschools about sex and the media, healthy dating, relationships, etc. (Ironic, right? lol) I reached out and Lord behold, God said Yes! I was brought on their team and also running their social media. Two weeks later, the social media manager for Claris resigned aaand that's how I was brought on board! CRAZY!
“And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.”
One more thing post break-up is that I went to Haiti. Catch my documentary, God Revealed in Haiti, and see how that mission ROCKED me. It's on my new YouTube channel, 31:30BELOVED, which also launched January 1st, 2017 to expose Jesus within the entertainment industry. I am JUST as mind blown as anyone reading this.
Thank you all SO much for reading and letting me know how my blogs encourage you. I pray to fully receive that. .:. LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE BELOW!!! .:.
SHOUT OUT TO MY GOD-FEARING INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS! WHAT a joy it is to get your prayer requests in my inbox and all the trials you guys are going through. Keep them coming! Best believe, I AM INTERCEDING FOR YOU ALL. Thank you for supporting this mission and riding along with me!! Let's keep STOMPING on serpents, scorpions, and ALL over the power of the enemy together!!!!
TO MY LOVED ONES: Not only does Christ love me enough to fight my battles for me, but He also brought together and covered me completely with a blanket of community. I did not walk alone spiritually or physically. I walked/ WALK this journey with FAITHFUL and FEARLESS warriors who prayed daily with me, and uplifted me by just being ears to hear me, tears to cry with, and hearts to console me in assuring that Jesus feels everything I’m feeling and rest assured, He will deliver me from the pain. My family who reminded me the difference between one who is spiritual vs. one who is equipped. At the end of every day, the MVP award goes to Christ. All Glory Be To HIM. ☝🏼
